tuck? Have no fear! Just follow this step-by-step walkthrough of the first few minutes of the game. Below is the login screen. From here you can select one of the two characters. The story changes quite a bit depending on which character you pick, so it'll be worth your time to play through both of them. Let's pick Phallicity for now. Click Enter to continue.

he game has several basic UI elements. In the upper left is a character info window that tracks health and mana. Characters that you can interact with have an icon on top of their head. Your first quest giver, Hegemon, is right next to you. The yellow "!" indicates he has a new quest available. Click him to talk to him and get the quest.

fter reading through the quest text, you can click the Accept button at the lower left hand corner of the quest dialog window to add it to your Quest Log, which can be accessed from the interface bar at the bottom of the screen.

ince this is your first quest, the Quest Log will automatically pop up to show you how you can track your progress. At the same time, you have received a weapon to aid you in your questing. Click the icons on the interface bar to open the different windows. Move your cursor over the sword icon in your backpack and double-click the item to equip it.

hen you equip an item, your character portrait opens up to show you the changes in your character statistics. You can close the windows by clicking on the X button at the upper right corner of each of the windows.

ime to pork some piglets! Move your character by using the Arrow keys or the WASD keys. If you need some help with the controls, click the blue ? at the upper right corner of the game screen to learn the game's basic controls.

Move to the left (or right) side of the camp and find a piglet. To learn more about the piglet, you can either click the piglet to target it, or simply roll over it with the cursor. Once targeted or rolled over, an info window pops up. You can also inspect your target by clicking on the small ? button around the character portrait of the target info window. Move your character close to it (but avoid getting too close to Hegemon!), and use either the Q key or , key to perform a melee attack. Rinse and repeat!

he game automatically tracks your progress as you complete quest objectives. You can also review quest objectives from the quest log by clicking its associated icon on the interface bar button, or by pressing the quest log shortcut key L.

fter you slaughter 8 piglets (and after a likely lesson in humility from Hegemon if you weren't careful), Hegemon is ready for you to turn your quest in to him. The yellow question mark over his head indicates you've completed all quest objectives. Click Hegemon again to read his congratulatory message, and click Complete to get your reward.

urray, more items to equip! You'll notice that double-clicking to equip this particular item automatically sends it to the shortcut bar. This is because it's an ability trinket.

Ability trinkets are special items that activate various melee and spell abilities at the cost of some of your mana or health. They can be equipped on the fly as you need them. You activate an ability by pressing the icon on the shortcut bar, or better yet, by pressing the number key on the keyboard that corresponds to the icon on the shortcut bar. Acquire the next quest from Hegemon (click Hegemon, and click Accept to accept the quest). Go ahead and equip your new ability trinket as well.

During your adventure, you'd also run into other items that are categorized as "consumable" or "quest item". Consumables are one time use items - when you double-click the item, the item is consumed and the effects associated with the item gets triggered. There are also some quest items (but not all!) that can be activated by double-clicking the item. Both consumables and quest items can be bound to the shortcut bar for fast activation, but you'll have to manually drag the item to the shortcut bar to link up the item shortcut.

he quest objective indicates there's a group of Marx Converts to the Right, so we'll head that way. Well well. Who's this cute little one-eyed willy?

Why it's the Portal Master! Every zone has a portal master. They offer free teleportation services to areas you've already visited, as well as a respawn point should you meet an untimely demise. To activate a portal, talk to the Portal Master by clicking on it. Once activated, if you've visited more than one zone, you can travel back and forth between them by clicking on the listed destination. Since Effin' Forest is the only portal you've discovered, the Portal Master is not going to be very helpful for now. Let's keep moving right to finish your quest objective.

f you want to know how far you have to go to reach your destination (or just want to find fun points to explore), you can take a look at the Zone Map. The icon for the zone map is on the interface bar. You can also press M to toggle it on/off.

The icons on the map indicate points of interest in that zone - quest givers, vendors, portal masters, and landmarks. Your relative position and direction is also shown. You can move your mouse over most points of interest to see the name of the character that point represents. The map indicates that Mr. Marx is still further to the right. Let's keep going!

inally, some Marx Converts! Now it's time to test your ability trinkets. Again, to activate an ability trinket, you can either click on its icon on the shortcut bar, or press the number key that corresponds to the number on the shortcut bar icon.

A casting progress bar shows the remaining duration before the spell is cast. The cast can be interrupted by running or jumping. Beware! your enemies can also slow down or completely cancel out your spell by wounding you, so be sure to maintain some distance before casting! Now, let's try our Holy Smite ability. Aim yourself at a Marx Convert, and press Number 1.

oy, he looks pretty pissy! You can tell when your target turns aggressive toward you by the red circle around the base shadow. You should end this quickly. Use your main-hand weapon, your spells, and whatever else you can think of!

rap! I forgot, your objective isn't to kill these Marx Converts, but to polymorph them back into sheep for Hegemon! To do this use your Sheeping Trinket, which instantly re-sheeps a convert if successfully cast. Don't forget to review your quest text if you're confused about what to do next!

h yeah! In order to buy or sell items you must first find a vendor. Luckily, there's one near the Marx Converts. Vendors are also displayed with a tiny bag icon on the map. Once you find her, a brown bag icon will appear above her head, indicating she's ready to do business. Click on the vendor to open the trade window.

To buy an item, either drag it from the trade window to your backpack, or double click it. To sell an item, either drag it from your backpack to the trade window, or simply double click it while the trade window is visible. If you double click when the trade window is closed, you'd equip or use the item, depending on the item type.

nce you're done with the sheep conversion, you can return to Hegemon to pick up your reward and continue your adventure. Oh! Let's make sure to save your progress so you don't lose your hard work.

The save and quit button is located in the lower left hand corner on the interface bar. You can either click that button or simply press the escape key (esc) to access the save and quit dialog. Click okay to save and return to the title screen. You'll notice that your character profile on the title screen is updated with your current level and location. The next time you load the game you will now continue exactly where you left off.

Note: This software is not officially sponsored by or directly associated with either the World of Warcraft developers at Blizzard Entertainment or their publisher and parent company Vivendi Universal.